50 Shades of What The Hell did I Just Watch?
(alternate titles include: 100 Shades of Terrible, 50 Shades of 120 minutes I'll never get back, etc.)
Okay, as I do in most of my negative reviews, I'm gonna start with the positives. Trust me, this shouldn't take long. Dakota Johnson, one of the bravest (stupidest?) actresses in contemporary Hollywood, is actually not terrible. The character she was given was complete and utter garbage, but somehow she took that trash and turned out a pretty decent performance. You felt her character in every awkward mannerism, and it doesn't really feel forced. Another positive is the cinematography. Somehow, the people behind this film knew how to operate a camera- who knew? Okay, now to the fun part.
The novel 50 Shades of Grey, apparently written by a fifth-grader who hit puberty before everyone else, began as Twilight fan-fiction; and it definitely shows. The dialogue is terrible, the direction is flat, and the characters are terribly constructed. The film is devoid of any plot or anything that really keeps the audience invested in anything that is happening on the screen. The two leads lack any sort of chemistry or charisma and even the love scenes are relatively bland. The film is terrible, without a doubt. But what makes me despise it to such an extent that I even rate it lower than the Twilight saga, was the ending. There is no conclusion. I get it, it's a series of books. You have the whole series mapped out in your head, and this film is designed to lead to a sequel. I absolutely hate this style of film-making. It can be excused in films like The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug and Mockingjay part 1, but only because those films were of higher quality. There is no excuse for this mess. Movies should be full stories. You can absolutely make sequels to expand the set universe, but in the end a movie should be able to hold up and be seen as a complete piece. This film can't do that. The film currently stands at $150,000,000 domestic, and a $502,000,000 international gross. Which means next year the sequel will hit theaters and will steal lots of money from more curious teens, lonely single mothers, and 40 year old perverts wearing trench coats sitting in the back of the theater. Hopefully the next time Mr. Grey slaps Anastasia and the movie-going public in the face, we'll know better. However, the fact that we have 5 Twilight films shoots down whatever optimism is left. Final Grade- F+
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